July 24, 2016 by
Steve Martin/King Tut
“Girl, look at that red hair and that gray stripe. Wow. And those toes. Yeah. I’d like to suck on those. You taken? Cause I’d like to take you?” said the black guy in front of me at 7-11. Hard to believe just 20 minutes prior, I was playing Super Mario Cart with a 7-year-old who just wanted to beat me… and did.
I was 11 years old when I found out I was black man catnip. My mother, brother, and I were in a very, very long line to see the King Tut exhibit at the National Gallery. Waiting was boring, so I asked my mother if I could duck into the wing next to us and look around. She let me go by myself. As I walked around, I noticed the black security guard following me. When I dead ended and turned back around to rejoin my family, he was in front of me. He looked at me up and down. I didn’t understand why since I wasn’t in People’s Drug trying to steal candy. He then told me he liked my “chest.” I was 5’6” and a C-cup at the time, but I was still 11 fucking years old. I got the yucky, this-doesn’t-feel-right feeling and ran out of the wing.
Since that time I have dated several intelligent and handsome black guys. Their game was more evolved than commenting on my hair, boobs, or feet. Today’s guy gave me the creeps, and not because he was buying a 12-pack of Miller High Life at 10 a.m. His tone and delivery made me flashback to an experience I had forgotten about and never told anyone about.
If you want to take me on a Sunday, quote Steve Martin and buy champagne.
February 24, 2016 by
Ice bucket, wine chiller, pint glasses, and bourbon ice forms.
A married-with friend was recently visiting the MaxiPad for the first time. He took me up on my beer offer and I opened my freezer to pull out a chilled pint glass. He took a picture and sent it to his wife. When I asked him why, he said, “You can tell you don’t have kids. No Eggos. No pizza. All you have are booze-related needs. That is so refreshing.”
Well, I do have bone broth, frozen blueberries, and marrow bones (for Dixie). Otherwise, I eat fresh and drink cold.
Two days later my friend texted me “Don’t quote me, but kids are cunts.” My childless girlfriend and I laughed, cheers-ed, and took another sip. Being single has its perks.
January 26, 2016 by
Libby Hill Sledding Party
I like Fall. I like rain. I don’t mind one minor (< six inches) snowstorm a year. When blizzard conditions were forecasted for my birthday weekend, it was just another excuse to stock up. My southern California dog and I were ready.
Blizzards aren’t new to me. I was born during one. However, my snow skills are rusty since moving back to Virginia. I knew I needed alcohol and coffee. My neighbors told me I was on a good grid and it was unlikely my power would go out. I made soup and waited.
In the end, I was reminded why I love city living. It all goes back to that walk score. While my bless-their-hearts suburban friends were stuck in their cul-de-sacs, I was walking to restaurants, bakeries, and coffee shops. My neighborhood was drunk. Seriously drunk and happy. We had a good weekend and got more FitBit miles in than most.
Now the thaw is on and hopefully all will be back to normal in time for the recycle truck to come and dump our heaving bins…. until the next storm…or birthday.