Don't Mince Words

I know this isn’t an LA-specific phenomenon, so I can’t blame it on California, but why do old, retired people insist on doing their errands on my time?

I realize they are the greatest generation, but what the fuck. Do they really need to be in the post office line at 8 a.m. with me when I’m trying to get to work and they are just killing time before Ellen comes on?

Oh, and here’s a good one. Rain. I think we can make a generalization that old people are bad and/or cautious drivers. Add a little rain in LA and you have a recipe for disaster. So why would old people come out in the rain to go to Trader Joe’s at 5:15 p.m. on a weekday only to shuffle around the store, hog the aisles with their carts, and stand in the 10 items or less lane. Seriously? Did the risk outweigh the benefits or did they come to Trader Joe’s to people watch?

Once again, aren’t they missing Ellen? Can’t they fill their voyeuristic needs at the senior center?

Social Security may be gone by the time I get to this age, but I promise, I SWEAR, I will do all my ordering online and if I can still drive, I’ll do it between 10 and 2.

Since I’ve been dating GC for a while, I haven’t been able to say my favorite four-lettered word, N-E-X-T. However, that hasn’t stopped my girlfriends from calling to seek advice or validation from me.

Linda called me yesterday laughing about Fire Marshall Bill troubles. It seems he has been playing the field and one of his girlfriends hacked into his cellphone and texted Linda. The girls compared notes and quickly discovered they were victims of dating fraud.

“Next,” I told Linda.

Next turned into us instantly inventing a “Cry me a river of lies” DoucheBag doll with a pull string that can recite 20-40 cliché man excuses. “She’s just a friend.” “I was on the phone with my mom.” “I’ve got to go out of town for while.” And my favorite, “I’m still living with my wife so I can save money for a divorce.”

Mary called tonight to verify first date protocols. The meeting is tomorrow and the guy hasn’t called to confirm time or place. “Tomorrow, if he calls I’m just not going to answer my phone,” she decided.

I told her a more effective approach would be to tell him she made other plans when she didn’t hear from him. My other plans usually involved my dog and Netflix, or researching a new vibrator attachment, but the last minute lack-of-plan slackass never needed to know that.

So, it’s refreshing to know I’m still the voice of dating reason while He’s Just Not That Into You is number one at the box office.

I won $100 for one quarter in the office Super Bowl pool. I realize this is random and requires no knowledge of football, but it’s exciting to me all the same.

The last time I won something was at the state fair. The guy guessed my weight wrong and I got a stuffed animal. I may of won a dollar or two on scratch lottery tickets, but those aren’t as exciting.

Cash is so much better. Maybe I’m on a streak. Checking those Vegas packages right now…..