Don't Mince Words

As you get older, sometimes you change.  I’m shocked that some of my friends have become republicans or born again.  I’m happy to report that, other than my sagging boobs, I haven’t changed.

One of my unemployment projects has been ensuring all of my CDs have been ripped and added to iTunes.  Yes, even Morrissey.  The media was then going to be donated to my college radio station for a write off.

While I was going through my notebooks of CDs, I ran across some of my DJ days that my ex-boyfriend had digitized from very old 90-minute TDK cassette tapes.  I had a two-hour show at my school as well as at an all-boys college down the street that craved female talent.

I had fun listening and realized, with the exception of a few one-hit wonders, I had incredible indie/alternative musical taste, a bit of a sense of humor, and a slight accent.  Now, as I continue to listen to The Cult, Siouxsie & the Banshees, and Concrete Blonde, I can smile and know I was on to something and ahead of my time.

I shipped my notebooks back to school in a wine box sealed with Warhol-ized Jesus tape.  “I can’t wait to see what you have,” said the music director in an email.  Hopefully, he’ll see I have eclectic musical tastes and a warped sense of humor.

As of today, I’ve lived in Los Angeles seven years.  It’s not really something to celebrate more than mark the time in awe.  It has flown and yet it has stood still.  I spent the afternoon with a New Yorker that relocated three years ago.  She’s still adjusting, but mocks the place just like I do.  It’s can’t-put-your-finger-on-it weird here.  After a bottle of wine, we concluded we liked the weather.

Dating is still hard.  Finding work is harder.  I’ve got the seven-year itch.

Once in a while I venture out of my zip code.  Tonight was one part music – The Untouchables – and one part men, because when you leave West Hollywood it is like a field trip into straight-man territory.  That means lipstick and heels for me.

My girlfriend and I made it past the bouncer and discovered there were two opening bands, not one.  Thankfully, we found a booth we could sit in.  You know you are getting old when you panic that you won’t be able to stand for the headliner.  With a waitress and a comfortable seat, I was ready for a fun night of music and people watching.

There were couples and dressed-down, beachy singles, but most noticeable were age-appropriate men (+/- 10 years).  We watched one man help his very drunk date up the stairs beside us.  About five minutes later, she staggered out and he walked her to the door.  As he walked back up the stairs, he looked at me and came back down and leaned over the table to talk to me.  I assumed he wanted to know if the seat beside me was open.  After saying “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you” three times, I realized he was actually saying, “would you like to dance?”

I was stunned and automatically said no thank you mainly because I didn’t have the right shoes on.  It also gave me time to reflect and come to the conclusion I’ve never been asked to dance while I’ve lived in Los Angeles.  Never.  I realize there are obvious mitigating factors (my height, my age, the venue, etc..)  But it is sort of sad, right?

Once I came-to, I was thankful I said no.  The guy looked like the type that had a window-less white kiddy snatcher van and only got girls to go home with him by using roofies.  As my girlfriend said, “You have to be more careful now that you have the blonde highlights.”

As long as I continue to wear the wrong shoes, I think I’ll be safe.

Tonight the game was roulette and I was betting on odd.  I finally worked up the courage to try Chat Roulette.  Since I’ve had my share of creepy, weird guys, what are a few more?

Let’s not forget that I am the old lady of the internet.  I walked up hill both ways in the snow to check my 14.4 modem.  I cut my teeth in AOL chat rooms and I’ve thrived in VoIP avatar communities with full voice duplexing.

I lasted 10 minutes only due to the fact that last guy I was randomly connected with had his clothes on and he was from Iowa.  He told me he has to click through dozens of dicks before he gets a chick.  I saw that pattern immediately.  There’s lots and lots of cock on Chat Roulette.  This may be a new internet age, but the same offline rules apply.  Don’t act shocked and laugh.  They’ll get mad and move on.

Same as it ever was.  Odd.

I’m pretty sure I’m never getting laid again, and I’m ok with it.  Here’s why.  My dog is in love with me.

It was a long courtship of walks, parks, car rides, and movies on the couch.  He waited to sleep with me for six months.  Then one day when I came home on crutches from foot surgery and he sprung into action.  While I was konked out on painkillers with my iced foot propped up on the couch, he climbed up and laid on top of me, like a hen on her chick.  I woke up when my dog walker came in and exclaimed, “oh my god Marna, are you ok?”  He reluctantly left for his walk.

Later that evening, my K9 nurse climbed into bed with me and slept with his head on my stomach watching me.  We’ve pretty much been sleeping together ever since – me and my 85-pound dog in a queen-size bed.

After Christmas, our relationship went to the next level.  He now wants to put his head on my shoulder and the pillow.  I was too tired to protest and move him the first night, then I realized his light snoring (similar to this dog) puts me to sleep faster than a wave machine.

I’m not sure what I’m doing right in this relationship, but it’s working.  I’ll take an old, rescued dog over a middle-aged man with baggage any day.  Tex is in it for the long haul.